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rational.
Monday, March 7, 2011
It's nearly midnight. I was laying down in front of a pale of assignments -- law and english research paper. As usual, I let my thoughts flow to stuffs which are unrelated to my assignments. I remembered about my convo with Carmen the other night. We were talking about me living in denial. Well, actually I am. I've always been living in denial. Maybe because I'd been mixing with a bunch of healthy friend and then when a "unhealthy" friend buzzz in to my life like a stupid joker, I freaked out! I loss control.
Deep down inside, I know I have to thank her for making me realized and understand myself even better. She made me angry and all I know how to do is put the blame on her. Her fault! She kinda humiliated me in a very indirect manner. But well, I can actually ignore what she'd done and continue with my healthy life. But I didn't. Although somehow I know that I can just twist the way I think of her, and I'll be at peace. I know that she's kinda smart in a way but every cell in my body tries to denied it. Now I felt like I'd downgraded myself. All i know is complain and blame it on others. I found myself complaining about people who used me, people who humiliate me, people who doesn't treat NORMAL people the way they should. I don't know what can I do to put out the fire in me.
And then I thought of the Dharma. It's like I'd learn nothing from the Dharma. So I went to the temple yesterday, hoping that I could find a way out. I started with sending merits to these people who kill my buzz. I can still snese the seeds of hatred. So I guess I'll continue this routine everyweek until I put out the fire.
Aikz. So hard to become a human. and then I realize, Buddha attained Enlightenment is no easy thing.
Oh psst psst, I have a bigger secret to tell.
My mouth will become the sources of disaster sooner or later as long as I keep complaining. I'll only bring MORE hatred and MORE problems to myself. People who doesn't know me very well will think that I', some kind of a backstabber or two face. I know. I know deep down even in my shits! But I refuse to control the urge to complain.
all this while i know that i'm a mature person who know what is right or wrong, who know how to deal with stuffs but I refuse to follow the mind and instead i followed my heart. So I'm gonna try again. Try to take things easy, step-by-step.
p/s : mom, dad, finally i feel like I'd grown up.
***
Just one night, I can think about a lot of junky stuff.
I became a helper in Sunday Dhamma School just few weeks ago. I figure maybe it'll be a good start for me to train up myself to become a MORE mature adult. Yesterday's teachers meeting were discussing on how to instill the Dhamma to the student. How to make them have faith to the religion and not blind faith. oh well, still squeezing my brain juice now. :)
another part of me felt very uncomfortable yesterday because during the teacher's meeting, they were talking about a dhamma student just lost her granpa. She cried and then Pn.Wang sort of gave her advise and etc, and then that night when she went back home, she dreamt that her granpa saying goodbye to her.
I was about to cry when I heard of it. Not because I feel sorry for her. It's because I figured that I'd never have this kinda of pleasant dream whereby my grandpa or mom came into my dream and say goodbye to me. The thought of it just made me feel sad. I might sound abit of superstitious but you know, when a departed one came into your dream, at least you know that they are in a better place??
I don't know. All the dreams I had was I saw my mom and dad were laying down at my bedroom and then I was panic, I ran downstairs to grab my camera so that I can take a few pictures of my mom for the few minutes. and then the camera turn into a DSLR. I was so happy because I can at least take a CLEAR and HD pic of my mom. and then the camera turned into a LOMO cam. I freaked out and BOO, I woke up from my dream.
Labels: personal stuff, story
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3/07/2011 08:43:00 AM
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