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unhappy.
Friday, June 17, 2011
I keep telling myself that I cannot have those kinda thought. because those thought will only prove that I'm still the same old me, that I hadn't change at all. and all I know is, those thoughts will turn me into a bad bad guy.
Almost everyday I have to keep reminding myself that don't judge the book even when I'd already finish reading it. who am I to judge? who am I to say whether she/he's right or wrong, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, wise or stupid?
what? It's not like I'm a high school student and I can bitch about people's attitude character action decision?
Yea, I have to keep telling myself that everyone has their beautiful side. I cannot keep remembering all their bad and ugly side but forget about their good side.
Urg! I now can finally admit that, sometimes, I distance myself from some of my friends just so that I can get rid of those unhealthy thoughts. So I rather stay alone, isolated, just to avoid those judgement from my brain that keeps popping out, just to avoid those analysis my brain has come out with.
I find myself very evil. so evil. and I'm disappointed in myself.
I feel very tired now. why can't my brain treats everything as simple as possible?Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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6/17/2011 12:37:00 AM
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blabbing. NOT exploding.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Honestly I'm not in a very good mood nowadays.
To sum it up everything, I can only say that Humans are greedy. They crave for more. Just like me. I crave that everything in my life will change. I crave that when I open my eyes tomorrow morning, I won't need to face that troublesome maid, or my rebellious lil sista, or my brother who irritates me.
They say change is constant. But I don't see how my life is changing now.
I know I should be grateful. But when you need to repeat the whole thing, the whole nagging on and on, i feel very restless. Now I feel like a 70s grandma who LOVES to nag her cucu.
Zz Hellow i'm only nineteen and I'm really sounding like some seventy year old grandma.
Take me away. Take me far far away. So that I'll learn to be grateful to have these people in my life. So that I'll miss them and I'll miss all my nagging.
Sorry, I'm just gonna complain till here. (somehow, I think that it's healthier for me to complain to people than keeping everything inside me, I cannot imagine keeping everything in my heart. I'll explode.)
Ee SuenLabels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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3/26/2011 01:20:00 AM
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I wish I could find the right word to describe how I feel now.
There are scratches in my heart, in my soul. at times, I can't feel it. I just felt like I can't breathe.
Ask me whether I'm okay? I'll tell you I don't know. I wish I can draw a mood-graph for you people to see it.
I'm weird. I'm trying to hide myself up now. I deactivated my facebook, my blog. everything.
ask me why? I can't give you an answer. I don't know. told you I have super extreme mood swings.Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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10/06/2010 05:24:00 PM
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Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I’m tired, physically tired I mean. Just came back from genting. Everything is just different now. Okay, now I understand about the law of diminishing marginal utility. When I 1st went to Genting, I was super excited. It’s like going to an extraordinary place like Egypt. Then when I grow older, eventually the chances of going to Genting increases but the satisfaction slowly decreases. It’s never that exciting anymore.
There’re always unsatisfying needs inside us and we keep wanting for more, wanting for things that can excite us more. But I don’t wanna become this kind of person. Sometimes, we have to control our internal desire, inappropriate internal desire right? I don’t wanna become a greedy person. But…how? How can I control it? My boring life gave me every reason to not to control these internal desires.
Tired. I’m done with blogging.Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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8/18/2010 08:10:00 PM
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Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Finally I decided to blog, type a longer post I mean. I know I’d been MIA for a long while. I just don’t feel like blogging. 1stly is because of my connection. I have to kept on disconnect and re-connect again so that I get a better transfer speed. (Don’t mention about maxis broadband) :S. 2ndly, I’d been dating lately , dating with the mops, plates, hangers and brooms. I admit Im not good at doing housework. I only did it for one month when my maid is gone temporary. But everything is different now. I don’t think my parents will hire another maid because the Indon people are restricted to find job as a maid in Malaysia. :S. So I think I’ll be doing housework constantly.
Im tired of my brother’s attitude. Im irritated. No, I don’t wanna talk about it here. Let the past remain as the past. I just hope that he could understand how tough it is for us, for me, to tolerate and bare with his irritating attitude. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to do this right and I’m really tired. At times I just feel like packing my bags and leave the house, but I know this is immature. Sometimes, all this that’s happening makes me realize that my home, my house is not exactly the warmest place.
Talking about self progress, I didn’t really read much during this holiday, and my English is getting suckier day by day. I can’t even think of a full sentence with no grammatical mistakes when I’m typing this post. Everything is messed up now. I’m serious. Like REALLY messed up. I’m rotting. I can’t find ANY good quality in me anymore. I’m NOT inspire anymore. I disappoint everyone. I disappoint my parents; teacher Anne and myself.
I was flipping through some ace-edvanture documents today, and I found out that teacher Anne REALLY find all sorts of ways to expand our knowledge. And all of a sudden, I remembered those four Ace-ed exercise books again. I’d been searching for them for MONTHS. It’s impossible for me to just throw them away like that. IMPOSSIBLE. Those are important books in my life. All my efforts are IN THERE and when I think about those books that had disappeared it hurts.Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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8/17/2010 10:04:00 PM
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Rainbow.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Friends are like the rainbow that appear after a heavy storm.Even if the sun shines brightly in a busy afternoon, the rainbow will not necessarily appear. There is a higher chance for us to see the rainbow after a heavy storm But, we can hardly fight the storm.
Friends are like the rainbow that appear after a heavy storm. You are happy when you are with them. They make you forget all the pain, they make you forget about homeworks TEMPORARY, make you forget all the stress you need to face TEMPORARY, most importantly, they make you forget reality TEMPORARY. You can be YOU in front of them TEMPORARY.
When the sun shines brightly again, the rainbow will disappear. By then, you'll have to get back to reality.
I can hardly see a rainbow appear in my life. sometimes, I wish to experience the rainbow for a little longer. Because most of the time, I'll have to deal with the storm. ***
Life, is like roller coaster. It can drive you crazy sometimes, but it can also give you a little bit of joy.
what will happen if I stop fighting? Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here, things I can't cope
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7/16/2010 02:46:00 PM
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Blank.
I think this is the 1st time I use this word as title and I actually mean it. Yes I'm totally blank when Im typing this. I had no idea what am I suppose to write here but I have so much to tell. well, I dont even know if there's someone reading this. :O oh well.
Im sick of myself. mostly because I find myself having high expectations on whatever I do. Okay. Honestly, I compare everything with people. competition among peers are fine but not EXTREME! and I can tell you that Im THAT extreme until I will want to win everyone else in the class. (I mean like, at least get the top5 or something). This kind of feeling never happen to me BEFORE. and THIS particular feeling reminds me of what Mr.Q (my malay tuition teacher :D) used to say about Singaporeans because they are kia sues! And now, I'd become one of them, which is, a bad sign. I have high expectations on my results, assignments and presentations. Even if I got the highest mark in one of the presentation, I still think I not good enough. Such an ass right?
secondly, Im sick of .... all those nagging by you-know-who. they nag that I spend less time with them, nag about how often I go out, nag about how late I come back home. nag nag and NAG! I'm sorry I'm kinda tired of trying to be a good girl. I stayed at home just to make sure that you guys WONT get angry. It's not like Im having fun going out everyday right? stay at college, nag. study outside, nag. come back slightly late, nag. okay, part of me always tells me that they are parents, they worry about their children, but sometimes, I really wish to tell them something just like how Sam Witwicky told his dad :" You have to let me go dad."
thirdly, I'm sick of the assignments and presentations. Okay. I hate to talk about this. the lecturer should give us the assignments and presentations in the BEGINNING of the SEMESTER! not when we only left TWO AND A HALF MORE WEEKS! this is EFF-ffing pissing me off! Im like what the hell?! Im suppose to revise all the syllabus in two weeks time. PLUS, some of my lecturer didn't really finish teaching all the syllabus YET! and presentations and assignments are still FLYING IN this few weeks BEFORE that freaking exam!!
fourthly, I'm sick of college. Don't mention about it. I hate that Inti building. I hate all the restaurant and cafe's around because I'll have to pick a place to have my lunch during my break time. And the most I hate, is the management! =-=
fifthly, IM SICK OF EVERYONE WHO TELLS ME TO STUDY! Please stop. I can't stand it. I really don't know why.
Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here, stress, things I can't cope
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7/09/2010 12:33:00 AM
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when something pulls you down down deep inside the water, what will you do?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
yes I am blogging again. Ignore my previous post. I was quite depress. Despress about? I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW.
You know, sometimes people are not satisfy with their current life. I am one of them. Today when I was listening to some business lecture, my business study's lecturer said that the society out there doesn't really think that Inti Student are XXXXXXXXX. (I dun think you wanna see this, PLUS, I dun feel like typing it out now.) but yea, the thoughts of job interview suddenly hits me. I have to get my ass into a job interview right? But hell no I'm not prepared for any interview. and my language is so weak. Do you think I am able to find a job? Okay. I know it's really ridiculous for me to suddenly talk about me in 10 years time, but yea, I'm really scare you know. And lately I have this low self-esteem thingi and it's FREAKING ME OUT! I hate myself when I feel like I am just a little part in the world. Yea, and there are Lots more out there that I DON'T KNOW. and the worst part is, there's this "swollen person" inside me that says : " look around you, there are so many people are BETTER than you. Your music sucks, your piano sucks, Your language sucks. Whatever you do just SUCK! accept it eesuen! " You see what I mean? Yea. I felt so useless. People who studied A-levels have no time to think about all this crap.."What is this?" I asked myself? "Is this some kinda joke? Is this some stupid self-discovery thingi that goes round and round in my head?" Sometimes I even wake up in the morning and think, "what are you suppose to do today? lay down? ROt at home? I AM WEAK.
 I have this mood swing thingi that makes me feel hyper sometimes and VERY DEPRESS sometimes. PMS? IMPOSSIBLE.
I starts telling myself to STOP thinking that. I mean, everything that I mentioned up there. If my life sucks, what about them?? People suffer from poverty but they still managed to pursuit happiness. SO WHY CANT I??
*right?*
I wanna smile everyday. Every second in my life.
NOT like them, but just simple and peaceful smile.
Smile in my dreams
Smile like a baby.
Smile and BE HAPPY.
Intel :D.
Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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5/26/2010 05:33:00 PM
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missing.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Yes. I still love my old blog layout. See, I hate myself when I do this. waste my time and do some stupid layout. But I dunno why I still do it. =S.
College is hectic. The assignments, tests, quiz, and presentation keep on flowing towards us like a waterfall.
Okay. I have to train myself to handle this kinda stress :D.
It's all about balancing. =\. Balance up my study time and play time.
But lately, I dunno why, something keeps on bothering me. I think it's about my self progress or something. I hate myself when I talk bout it. Cause I feel so useless, discouraging and disappointed in myself.
I want to do something useful. useful to myself, to my family, and to the society. Gosh. I just dunno wat to do. I felt like an useless freak. ==
even my piano teacher said : "where is that very geng punya eesuen?" where?? I also cannot find. Something inside me is missing. Confident? IDK.
Rotten. you know. I am rotting. I can feel it. Ass. how to click that "on" button to start progressing myself??
TEACH ME.
tuning to : Glee Cast - Defying Gravity. Labels: college, I'm having emotional breakdown here, what is the meaning of life
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5/21/2010 12:44:00 PM
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pissed
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Yes. IM PISSED AT MYSELF!
I am the most NOOB person in this world!
This is the FIRST TIME I CRIED for a BOOK.
Well, those are not some ordinary book which you can get from anywhere. Those are not storybooks. But my Ace-adventure exercise books from form1 to form4! WTF I lost it. and there are so much knowledge inside there that I dun think I'd appreciate for the pass four years. Urrg. I am MAD AT MYSELF! How can I just throw them away?? It's so IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!
I'd been trying to search for them so many times, but FAIL.
I'm just dumb!
Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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5/12/2010 12:13:00 AM
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blog. again. =S
Sunday, May 9, 2010
okay. saya mentally unsteady. I can't study today. too tired. =S
mother's day. oh well..nothing much. =P
k lately, something keeps bothering me. It's about someone, that I can't mention out here. (too public you know). and, yea, that someone make me realize that how awful it is when you LOVE the wrong person. (=.=) your family get hurt. your friends, no eye see.
you know love is blind? love is blind love is blind. Im so sick of people when they are "blinded" by love. they just can't FACE the reality. They just can't notice when something is wrong in their relationships. And people like their parents give them advices, their friends give them advices, and bdh they just DUN GET IT!!!
fine. I'm just so helpless. oh, btw, dun get me wrong, Im NOT in a relationship. I am always the one who give advises or mental support to those people when it comes to relationships. Haha. (It's quite impossible for me to be in a relationship eh? I know that XD)
two more weeks. exam. =S I am so gonna start studying my economics and basic computing. OMG English test this week. *cross fingers*
*clap clap clap* saya tak log in muka buku (facebook) for two days! =D
Saya. Mahu. Pergi. Tidur.
P/S shane, Im not a copycat! =( At least, our intention are not the same. Ini bukan copycat =D Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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5/09/2010 09:35:00 PM
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Friday, May 7, 2010
alright. I'll admit it. I dun have "ohm" lately.
right, i've 10 piece of journal have to pass up =S. screw it.
lately, im so confuse. ( I dunno whether isit the right word). confuse with the characteristic with human. Okay, maybe that's a quite general word. I shall call them, teenagers. And I have to say, I met all kinds of teenie in college. =S. and they are all complicated. I wonder what kinda people I'll meet out there in the society. =S.
i emo everyone. ==
came to college early in the morning, just to go for the economics consultation hour. =S. anyway, im studying lately! hahaha! *clap clap clap*..Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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5/07/2010 08:43:00 AM
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I dont belong here.
Monday, March 29, 2010
fine. lets update.
life's been horrible to me. Im losing it..Im just waiting. and what I've been waiting for? I dunno.
you see, im feel weak nowadays. I just dont feel like talking lately. N my mind is blank blank and blank. The only thing I do is read in college, go to library and log in to facebook, sms to old schoolmates, go had lunch with collegiee friends and go back, on9, chat, do hwk.
I'd lost the spirit to live my life to the fullest. My life = plain white paper now.
No one can tell me what's wrong with it. because, I dont even know wat's wrong with it.
flashing back the memories in NS, or even in my secondary school life, its a huge different compare to my current situation.
why? i asked myself.
==..
and its really hard when you cant even find a single friend to talk to when you're feeling down. yea..that's me.
k. im speechless now. i dun feel like talking. read books. :) it helps alot.Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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3/29/2010 12:23:00 PM
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wrong.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
somehow, I just feel so wrong. I dunno why..
isit because of there arent anything exciting happening in my life anymore? I'd became a foolish person who hope for miracles. Hoping that it will change my current situation.
but people always say : " your destiny is in your hand."
so what's wrong with me? what's wrong with my life?
Labels: I'm having emotional breakdown here
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3/28/2010 10:12:00 PM
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